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Fear and Loathing in Washington

by | 1:30 pm, February 16, 2010 | 1 Comment

**Updated and promoted–ed.

As some of you know, and as some of you do not, CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Committee) is happening this year (as it does every year) in Washington, D.C. (as it does every year).

Your Washington Bureau Chief along with PPC’s roving special reporter (code name: J-Dubs), will be covering it all.  If you’re considering slogging out to the swamp, we hope you’ll look us up.  If you’re pretty enough, we’ll interview you on camera for our exclusive coverage.

In order to let those of you who are going know what to expect, J-Dubs and I have provided a page from our diary of last year’s trip, just to let you know what a day at CPAC is like…

10:11 – in a bid to get a table at Old Ebbitt, casually mention that you just saw Olympia Snowe and Michelle Bachmann get out of a limo together on the South Lawn, jump behind bar to avoid being crushed in ensuing exodus, order the hearts of palm omelet

11:22 – arrive at hotel and check in for conference

11:30 – Lecture on Dr. Seuss as a basis for a new textual analysis of the 1980 electoral vote (‘One State, Two State, Red State, Fuck you, Minnesota)

12:30 – group hymn to William F. Buckley (attendance mandatory)

12:45 – photo ops with global warming deniers dressed as polar bears (hotel lobby), grab polar bear’s ass

13:00 – ‘Everyone Can Network and Succeed’, a working lunch open only to pre-approved members of YAL, invitation must be shown at door

14:10 – eavesdrop on gaggle of Heritage staffers dissing Cato staffers

14:18 – eavesdrop on gaggle of Cato staffers dissing Heritage staffers

14:29 – follow cute Mercatus intern around for a while

14:50 – eavesdrop on gaggle of John Birch staffers insisting they are still relevant

15:03 – wander through exhibit hall, steal zip drive from WaPo blogger, recommend a hookah bar that never cards and serves a wicked lemontini to a bunch of kids from Hillsdale, steal copy of An American Life from book signing

15:50 – separate a Koch Fellow and a Campaign for Liberty organizer who are arguing over who is less of a statist;offer to judge a best-of-five flash trivia round on Murray Rothbard

16:26 – decamp to Chipotle at Calvert and Connecticut, eat burritos and switch shirts with fellow PPC reporter, give stolen copy of An American Life to bum outside Woodley Park Metro

17:35 – go to CPAC medical tent to treat bruise received when bum threw stolen copy of An American Life back

18:00 – pre-reception for Reagan Dinner; everyone is consumed at news of latest scandal as daughter of Focus on the Family CFO is indicted for embezzling funds to pay for abortion after split with semi-rehabbed meth dealer boytoy so that she and her new lesbian lover won’t have ‘baggage’

18:30 – real reception for Reagan Dinner; rumors fly that Anne Coulter and Meghan McCain exchanged fisticuffs at the previous day’s ‘American Exceptionalism, American Extensions: Our Founding Legacy of Personal Liberty and Personal Grooming’ workshop

18:57 – Hillsdale kids text to say they’re being served, text back to tell them about nearby absinthe bar with 70s kitsch decor

19:00 – doors are opened for Reagan Dinner

19:43 – opening comments, scheduled for 19:05 in the commemorative vellum program, begin.  Andy Levy of Fox News’ ‘Red Eye’ replaces scheduled speaker Ed Feulner as the latter suffered an embolism during the ‘Croissants and Campaign Finance’ breakfast

20:00 – The Anglican Bishop of Washington D.C. offers prayers for Ed Feulner, William F. Buckley, Jr., and Andrew Breitbart’s career

20:20 – a dinner of rubber Chicken Kiev is served

20:21 – attendees begin milling around

20:23 – no one seems to notice when SFL office staff steal the movable bar

20:31 – private party in room 1920 with SFL office staff, one of whom turns out to be the polar bear from the lobby and who is even cuter than the Mercatus intern

20:40 – while making an ice run, meet up with University of Delaware College Republican delegation on their way to burn replicas of Joe Biden’s hairpiece on the National Lawn.  Wish them well.  Give them number of a good bail bondsman

21:45 – obligatory appearance at Hill Rat confab, held at Hawk n’ Dove, unable to shake creepy feeling from Nancy Reagan impersonator

21:52 – unhygienic cabby takes detour through Brentwood for no discernible reason

22:13 – find contingent of British and Australian exchange students hosting private party at Ireland’s Four Fields

22:18 – find out that all the hot foreign boys left with a bunch of Georgetown undergrads 12 minutes after the party started for late night happy hour at The Tombs

22:22 – steal bottle of Chivas Regal 12 Year and entire stack of ‘Anglo-American Friendship’ bumper stickers

22:40 – place bumper stickers on all cars with diplomatic plates along Embassy Row, lose a quarter hour searching for the Embassy of the Falkland Islands

23:29 – reenact Charge of the Light Brigade whilst astride statue of Samuel Francis DuPont in DuPont Circle

23:34 – turn down marriage proposal from drunk dressed as Santa Claus near the Krispy Kreme at the DuPont Metro

00:37 – return to hotel, break into ParcBench Media’s wi-fi hospitality suite and find notes for Stephen Baldwin’s speech, change text substantially

01:10 – time is unaccounted for

04:00 – hazy recollection of intense debate with development officer of a midwestern tax payer advocacy group as to whether or not Nancy Reagan impersonator was genetically female.  Make note in iPhone to call Log CabinHQ and see what they know.  Delete first note and instead make note to call Barney Frank’s office and see what he knows

04:39 – time is unaccounted for

12:13 – wake up and finish off the Chivas Regal 12 Year

12:17 – prank phone call the DNC Senate Committee

12:19 – commence search for pants

12:24 – watching the TV, seriously consider that Saxby Chambliss, being interviewed on the concourse about the Gang of 10′s new push to use American sugar as an alternative energy form, is wearing your pants

12:31 – order room service (47 glasses orange juice, 7 dozen croissants, tropical fruit platter (large), hummus, bottle of Chablis, steak au poivre, (changed to more croissants because the dinner menu isn’t available until 5), and a fresh avocado)

12:44 – answer door to find bell hop asking if the pants found hanging from the Grand Ballroom chandelier are your pants, refuse to answer without consulting attorney, tip bell hop with leftover ‘Anglo-American Friendship sticker

12:51 – call room service back and ask them send up a pair of pants, also ask them to change one glass of orange juice to a glass of apple juice

13:11 – prepare to watch Stephan Baldwin speech from hotel room, get phone call from friend at IHS asking if you’ve heard about the party ATR is hosting later for Tucker Carlson at 18th Amendment, mention it might not be good GOP PR to have Eastern Market overrun by white men in bow ties

13:16 – as details of previous night come back, place desperate call to PPC General Counsel regarding penalty for nude violation of the Mann Act on a Vespa…

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  1.   PPC Named Official CPAC Bloggers : Peoples Press Collective
      February 16th, 2010 @ 5:32 pm

    [...] PPC’s Washington DC Bureau Chief Eileen’s “Fear and Loathing in Washington”: As some of you know, and as some of you do not, CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Committee) [...]

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