Dec 25 2009
Satire: Santa Claus is a registered Republican!
Here’s some Christmas satire fun to warm up your holiday in the cold.
Investigation thrusts Santa Claus, a registered Republican, into controversy
The 2008 election is well past over, but an investigation into the legal voter status of Santa Claus has concluded that the famed philanthropist is a registered Republican in Alaska, his adopted American home.
Claus was spotted voting in Anchorage last November, and an anonymous phone call placed to Alaskan election officials by a man claiming to be “one of Santa’s little helpers” accused Claus of voter fraud, prompting the investigation.
“An iceberg of evidence has confirmed that Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus, is a legally registered voter. Furthermore, we have concluded that Mr. Claus is Republican, and we suspect he supported John McCain in the 2008 election,” stated Jack Frost, head of the Committee to Investigate the Legal Voter Registration Status and Citizenship of Santa Claus (CILVRSCSC),an entity created by the Alaskan Voter Board against the wishes of 2008Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin. “We also believe that Governor Palin violated ethics rules by receiving gifts from the jolly ‘ol Saint.”
The bi-partisan commission also included Republicans Mr. Grinch, of Whoville, and multibillionaire banker Ebenezer Scrooge, of New York City, along with Democrats Frosty T. Snowman, of Wasilla, Palin’s Alaskan hometown, and Yukon Cornelius, a prospector in Anchorage and a former associate of Claus.
CILVRSCSC concluded within a month that Claus is, in fact, a naturalized citizen of the United States, but further inquiry has led to conclusions about his political affiliation. With Christmas around the corner, the commission decided to announce the results of its wide-ranging investigation.
“I’m a Republican,” said Grinch. “You might not think that Santa’s a Republican because he gives joy to every child each Christmas, but we’ve found that the way he treats his workforce, his Christian views, his wealth and decision to evade corporate and personal income taxes by operating in the North Pole makes him an undeniable Republican.”
According to Forbes magazine, Stanley Twinkleflake, a North Pole elf and former employee at Santa’s Christmas Workshop, Inc., was banished last year from the North Pole, along with three other elves. The reason, Claus gave, was that Twinkleflake was working to undermine the workshop through unionization.
Elves like Twinkleflake and other critics assert that the little fellas are working long hours in harmful conditions, at below minimum wage.
Claus has recently stirred controversy over his support of Wal-Mart’s refusal to provide health insurance for its employees. That controversy reached its height last year when it was revealed the Claus has himself refused to provide his elves with health insurance.
Claus has also entered into some legal issues. He insists on maintaining his workshop in the North Pole, where the U.S.government has no oversight whatsoever.
“It was bad enough trying to make wooden rocking horses and sleds during the depths of an arctic winter,” Twinkleflake told Forbes. “But nowadays all the kids want is electronics. You try working with all those chemicals in perpetual darkness. It’s practically a sweatshop. I just hope college kids start boycotting all presents made at Santa’s Workshop.”
Last month, Ester “Bunny” Bumble, Claus’s senior spokesperson, disputed critics in an interview with Magical Creatures Quarterly.
“Elves are immortal. With a guaranteed life of forever, why would they need health insurance? We stand by our position,” she said.
“Santa Claus doesn’t need illegal immigration from Mexico or to ship his workshop overseas to China to find low-wage workers,” said Holly Stockingstuffer, columnist at The Holiday Times, whose recent article critiquing Claus’s environmental practices, “Santa and Global Warming,”has won praise from Nobel prize-winner Al Gore. “Have you seen their size and their pointy ears? No non-magical human would even think of hiring guys like that. He’s got them right where he wants them.”
The only elf known to have left the North Pole is Buddy Hobbs, who turned out to be a human after all when he found his father in New York City.
“Santa? I know him, I know him!” said Hobbs “Sure, he doesn’t have the World’s Best Cupof Coffee there, but his affinity for elf culture makes things really friendly up at the North Pole. The Santa haters are wrong—he’s not a cotton-headed ninnymoggins!”
Ebonezer Scrooge once refused to give to charity until he was visited by three ghosts twenty-three years ago. He now gives$500 million annually out of his own pocket—and he proudly admits he is a registered Republican.
“I’m a Republican because I’m a conservative,” said Scrooge. “Ever since meeting the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, I have chosen to give millions of dollars of my own money to good causes each year—just like Santa spends his own money on toys and gives them to children out of his own good will, not because of government redistribution.”
Claus has long been known for his infinite amount of wealth. As Forbes reported in 2005, Santa’s Christmas Workshop produces roughly 700 million toys valuing more than $14 billion a year.
“He could spend that money on himself, buy a condo in Vail, a tropical island in the Caribbean. But he doesn’t. He uses it to spread joy to kids,” said Scrooge.
Critics,however, don’t see much kindness in the way Clause operates. Each year he produces a list using a crystal ball; he sees kids when they’re sleeping and knows when they’re awake. If Claus finds a given kid nice, they get a present; naughty ones receive a lump of coal.
“Kringle is a Christian extremist,” said Michael O’Donnell, former television talkshow host who produced last year’s documentary film Sicko: Claus, Wal-Mart, and the Republican Conspiracy. “Every year he runs around claiming to spread‘Christmas cheer’ through his gifts—but in reality, those kids who do not fit within his narrow view of morality find a lump of coal in their stockings! If that isn’t radical Christianity and evidence of a right-wing extremist, I don’t know what is.”
Critics also point to Claus’s use of the crystal ball as inappropriate surveillance. The American Civil Liberties Union filed a complaint against Claus four years ago. Since the U.S. government has no jurisdiction in the North Pole, however, the practice has not been discontinued.
“This is just like the Bush Administration’s warrantless surveillance program,” said ACLU attorney Jen Stamper. “He’s spying on people without permission to see if they’re ‘good’ or not. We are calling on President Obama to distance himself from Claus.”
Claus’s wealth, the way his business operates, his Christianity, the fact that he’s white and old, the red color of his suit and his charitable contributions combined to reveal his Republican voter status.
The final piece of evidence: Alaska voter rolls have him registered as “Republican.”
Forbes Magazine’s “Fictional 15” and 2005 article “Santa Claus” were used for this piece. The rest of the article is the author’s original work. Merry Christmas from Seng Center!
An investigation has concluded that the one known
as Santa Claus, now mired in controversy, is a
legally registered Republican.
